Friday, 15 August 2014

Trying to Get Back to Life...

So, as you can see I've been MIA for quite awhile...

Life has been chaotic to say the least. I've been struggling to stay on top of my homework, studying, numerous assignments, being a single mom, trying to save what little money I have to move, and wouldn't you know it? A nasty bout of depression. Again. I feel like I've been walking in a haze, just trying to survive one day to the next...making sure I'm getting the meals done, quality time in with Emily, baths done, hands and faces washed, teeth brushed. Just the smallest daily things, have been exhausting, and all I've felt like I've needed to do is sleep. And even then, a couple of hours at a time for almost 3 years straight (with a few breaks in between) doesn't help much...

I have fully accepted that depression and anxiety are most likely always going to be a part of my life. A big part, and this past year I was able to deal really well, always trying to find the positive side to things, but these past two months I feel like I've been sucked back down into a dark place that I'm just starting to crawl back out of.

An excerpt from a quick journal entry a week or so ago:

"Just when you start to stand back up on your feet,
depression digs in her sharp claws and drags you back down to her level.
Back into her darkness.
I try and shut off my mind,
thinking that if only for a little while...
I can hide.
But there's no hiding,
no denying her presence as it swallows you bit by bit,
until finally she has you fully consumed.
You know you are there,
you know you want out,
but there's no path, no light...
no hands to help you up.
It's just you and her, face to face.
It's so dark, you can't even see her,
but you feel her there -- her breathe kissing your face with that all too familiar heat.
The heat that travels through your body,
consuming you even further because like it or not,
since our mother's womb,
we find the warmth comforting."

I feel like the happier I become and the better things are going for me, that's when I find myself going through the most severe depression. It's a vicious cycle, and one (of many) that I am trying my hardest to break.

I'm thankful to those who have been patient with me in general in my life, but in the blogging world, a huge thanks to those who are patiently awaiting any outstanding reviews I have to write. I assure you, that you were in the back of my mind the whole time.

In all honesty, that's where a lot of my guilt comes from because I like to meet my deadlines. I like to do my best whenever I put out any kind of work. That being said, I think it is important to take a step back from this blog and focus on being a Mom, my health, and my education.

The decision to finish up my last reviews and posts, bringing Living As We to an end has not been an easy one, but I look forward to rejoining the blogging world at a later date when I have the proper time to dedicate to it. It truly is a full time job....and anyone who tells you otherwise is lying. ;)